DISCLAIMER: Salty-and-to-the-point language
I'm not sure what you may or may not know about Reiki (which
is a mental trigger that's telling me I should specifically blog about the
topic), but since becoming a Reiki practitioner, there are a lot of things I
really cannot ever un-see, un-hear or un-feel. Which is really more good than
anything else, but sometimes when I'm not at peace with myself, it can feel
like flat out annoyance.
I've talked about this a lot in my posts, but in the work of
healing I pay more attention to things. It feels like being a child discovering
something new and fascinating. In my posts, I mention being aware or
"noticing things." Sometimes if I don't notice it right away, in
thinking back on it sometime later, things "click."
When I started my journey with Reiki, and coming from a
place of addiction, the struggle with seeing life as it is is an understatement
I can't express with words. Probably with interpretive dance, but not words.
If you've ever felt like you were fighting a losing battle,
then addiction brings a lot of feelings and memories to the surface.
Oh, before I forget to mention it, at this moment it's 7 in
the morning. I say this because I woke up a little before 4:30 after going to
bed about 12:30. It's not a usual sleep pattern for me these days, but I mention
this because I woke up with strong feelings of regret, shame and guilt.
What did I do?
I did, what I feel, bordered on the self-destructive.
I didn't take good care of myself.
I ate a lot of sugar.
[Cue anti-climactic music and insert numerous studies on
what sugar does to the brain.L]
The good news is as I lay in bed with feelings of guilt,
shame and regret it triggered memories of college and too much drinking,
partying, drugs, feeling sorry for myself, allowing for a lot of risky
behavior, guilt, shame, regret, which triggered too much drinking, partying,
drugs, feeling sorry for myself, allowing for a lot of risky behavior, guilt,
shame, regret, which triggered too much drinking, partying, drugs, feeling
sorry for myself, allowing for a lot of risky behavior, guilt, shame, regret, which
triggered too much drinking…
This morning I laid in bed thinking about how I acted
yesterday. The self-control I felt I didn't have. I felt like a maniac not in
control of my body and the feeling (after the fact at 4:30 in the morning) scared
the shit out of me. This on top of the embarrassment of how I feel I acted
around my colleagues. I woke up thinking, "Maybe I need to email him to
let him I know I'm sorry for how I acted at the meeting?"…"Was I
really that loud? My voice carries. I was probably really loud. And obnoxious.
I should email her and explain. Maybe it was all in my head and I wasn't THAT
obnoxious. But what if I was?" The feeling of anxiety was at a ridiculous
level.
Flashback to about 10 days ago. I went in for a well-visit
with the gynecologist. Long-story short, she sent me, that day, to make what
ended up being a next day appointment with a primary care physician for high
blood pressure.
Yeah it was that high.
I can make all the excuses I want and write flowery words of
stress and struggle and blah, blah, blah, but simply enough, I'm a stubborn ass
and I wanted to do things my way and thought I knew enough about my body to get
away with it.
Nope. No, me thinks I was a bit checked-out on that front.
High blood pressure is nothing to fuck with. Organ failure
is nothing to fuck with. Organs failing is a problem.
I think what triggered yesterday's behavior was that I was
feeling despair at having felt like I failed at taking better care of myself
and in an effort to a give a speedy finger to the good habits I have had the
last few months, on top of drinking coffee on an empty stomach first thing in
the morning at the 1st meeting (yikes), I pretty much split a box of
gourmet donuts after lunch with my husband and then tried to balance it out
(it's okay. You can laugh.) with another cup of coffee before going to a 2nd
meeting.
Oh, and there were cocktails at lunch and dinner. Not a lot,
but enough.
Oh and did I mention I have eczema and it flared up so bad I
felt like it was saying, "Good job, jackass"?
Oh! Wait. Wait. Wait. Did I mention sugar seriously disrupts
your sleep cycle especially within the week before a menstrual cycle begins?
happy fun time. yay.
So I'm at a crossroads and in writing this post I've already
made a decision on where I want to go.
I can either choose to roll around in regret, guilt and
shame and have it be a trigger for another round of bad behavior, or I can feel
gratitude beyond measure for this powerful learning lesson and be mindful of
what it has taught me.
Chuck, I choose option #2.
I am an amazing person and sometimes amazing people fuck up.
[Insert inspiring quote about messing up and bouncing back
from it.]
I've accomplished more stuff in my life than I can recall at
the moment and I need to embrace that instead of embracing that I should
operate as a perfect person I cannot be.
How do you learn anything if you're perfect?
This situation is another lesson that continues to
strengthen me as I continue on my path. I love that I am clear-headed enough to
see that. I love that I am able to use my power for good in helping others. I
love that I am not alone.
Thanks for letting me vent about this.
How do you bounce back from feelings of guilt, shame or
regret?
Please comment below.
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