Well, wow. Where should I begin?
For starters, no more of this streaky-posting crap. I'm off
work from my day job on Wednesdays, and if I don't have the decency to give you
my word that I'm going to post something either as a written or video blog
at least once a week, I don't deserve to have an audience. So, with that being
said….
I have been experimenting with the idea and practice of self-care.
Unfortunately and gratefully it didn't happen because I was
feeling well or at peace with myself. It came out of being the sickest I've
been in a very long time and happened on a day that will stand out as a MAJOR
turning point in my life.
I equate this turning point with, when I received the Level
2 Reiki attunement in 2008, the night I asked for Guidance and help to release
myself from addiction, I dreamt of my grandmother. When I woke up I no longer
craved marijuana and was able to recognize what I was feeling when the urges
showed up and what triggered them.
I didn't and haven't thought about turning back to addiction. These kind of experiences feel like part of
my brain has been seared and turning back to that part of my past isn't a
conscious option. I think about pot now and the word, "Meh" comes to
mind.
I'm sure there's a more romantic way to describe it.
I don't know what you would call what I was sick with, but
I'd like to think of it as the bazoozies from hell. I wasn't able to work my day
job for several days and I slept most of the time.
During the time when I was awake, I kept thinking, "I
really need to be doing something. There is just so much to do. I really should
be doing something."
My body said, "Nope. That dog aint' huntin', Sister."
And an interesting series of things began to happen.
The greatest thing I learned is that I have a substantial money
block.
I discovered its origin when, after coaching sessions,
workshops, affirmations, prayers, EFT tapping, mantras, Reiki, crying a
ridiculous amount, being a bitch to my husband, journaling and
a-list-of-other-things-that-aren't-coming-to-mind-at-the-moment. It made
everything else I either did or tried to do so much harder. It was a powerful
yet quiet realization that I let it flow through my mind to see if it was
really IT.
Oh yes.
Absolutely.
The story I imprinted on myself was, "I have to work my
ass off to make ends meet," but that came into direct and nasty conflict with
the work I have been doing as a Reiki practitioner and business coach and my
rational side had had enough when I became sick.
To be completely clear, I regret no part of my life and I
love my parents deeply. My Life has given me a beautiful map of rich and
vibrant colors stained in spots with too much wine and there is a cigarette
burn here and there, but my Life is so priceless, only wordless emotions come
close to describe any part of it.
I am the oldest of 2 kids from a single-parent household. I
struggle to remember a time when my mom wasn't working 2 jobs. There are so
many things I realize NOW vs. the story I "wrote" for and to myself
THEN that contrast so much.
So many layers of self-protection. Metaphorical scabs on
metaphorical scabs.
I love that I've learned self-reliance, strength and courage
to find my way through tough situations on my own, but I felt a part of me has
lived as though I raised 2 kids by myself (including the 1st 12 years of the
relationship I have now with my husband). I felt like I was responsible for
everything.
I have no children.
I have 2 cats and a husband.
I felt as though I needed to work 2 jobs to make ends meet
to the point where, through some self-destructive and low self-esteem behaviors
(drugs aside), I have had to work 2 jobs while at the same time being terrified
to spend money so that I know the bills will be paid.
My rational side has pointed out a lot of inconsistencies
and things that haven't logically added up to 2.45 + 2.55 = 5.
There have been huge disconnects where parts of me just
simply weren't talking to other parts of me until I got sick. The parts going
at 150% for 35 years couldn't keep up and the parts that were quiet got their
chance to speak.
And talk they did.
Stories of love and hope, facial tissues, tea (so much tea), forgiveness,
What-Can-Be, humor, and the patience of every saint. They pointed out and
reminded me of all the good I have and continue to do.
Like being a freaking awesome coach and healer and the only
effort I exert is showing up completely and authentically (Southern sass and
all) for those who ask for my support.
But I was streaky about it. I didn't think I was really
doing anything.
No more of that crap.
So, I figure, if I can do the work with my Stuff and not
being aware of my Baggage, and not become some negative statistic, marry and
stay married to a really nice, supportive guy, finish graduate school, quit
using drugs, self-publish a book, become a Reiki practitioner AND use my Force
for good to coach small business owners and entrepreneurs, imagine what I will
contribute knowing I can dump the luggage so I'm not weighed down, but am able
to make use of the Wisdom I've gained.
This is going to be a fantastic leg of the journey.
Since my last post
with the help of the amazing Vicki Lewis
I've taken what I've learned from coaching so far and created a coaching program
I am completely in love with. I incorporate
Reiki and the 20+ years of working in a long list of jobs (the advantage of
working 2 jobs at a time) into my coaching as it relates to the seven major
chakras and its aspects to business.
I will be talking about parts of my coaching program in the
coming weeks.
If you're a small business owner or entrepreneur and you'd
like to connect with others, ask questions and share who you are, please join
me in my Facebook
group where we support one another on this strange and beautiful trip
called Owning Who We Are and What We Do.
Because if we love it, it may be work, but it's not a job.
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