Life Unscripted: Self-Intervention

DISCLAIMER: Salty-and-to-the-point language

I'm not sure what you may or may not know about Reiki (which is a mental trigger that's telling me I should specifically blog about the topic), but since becoming a Reiki practitioner, there are a lot of things I really cannot ever un-see, un-hear or un-feel. Which is really more good than anything else, but sometimes when I'm not at peace with myself, it can feel like flat out annoyance.

I've talked about this a lot in my posts, but in the work of healing I pay more attention to things. It feels like being a child discovering something new and fascinating. In my posts, I mention being aware or "noticing things." Sometimes if I don't notice it right away, in thinking back on it sometime later, things "click."

When I started my journey with Reiki, and coming from a place of addiction, the struggle with seeing life as it is is an understatement I can't express with words. Probably with interpretive dance, but not words.

If you've ever felt like you were fighting a losing battle, then addiction brings a lot of feelings and memories to the surface.

Oh, before I forget to mention it, at this moment it's 7 in the morning. I say this because I woke up a little before 4:30 after going to bed about 12:30. It's not a usual sleep pattern for me these days, but I mention this because I woke up with strong feelings of regret, shame and guilt.

What did I do?

I did, what I feel, bordered on the self-destructive.

I didn't take good care of myself.

I ate a lot of sugar.

[Cue anti-climactic music and insert numerous studies on what sugar does to the brain.L]

The good news is as I lay in bed with feelings of guilt, shame and regret it triggered memories of college and too much drinking, partying, drugs, feeling sorry for myself, allowing for a lot of risky behavior, guilt, shame, regret, which triggered too much drinking, partying, drugs, feeling sorry for myself, allowing for a lot of risky behavior, guilt, shame, regret, which triggered too much drinking, partying, drugs, feeling sorry for myself, allowing for a lot of risky behavior, guilt, shame, regret, which triggered too much drinking…

This morning I laid in bed thinking about how I acted yesterday. The self-control I felt I didn't have. I felt like a maniac not in control of my body and the feeling (after the fact at 4:30 in the morning) scared the shit out of me. This on top of the embarrassment of how I feel I acted around my colleagues. I woke up thinking, "Maybe I need to email him to let him I know I'm sorry for how I acted at the meeting?"…"Was I really that loud? My voice carries. I was probably really loud. And obnoxious. I should email her and explain. Maybe it was all in my head and I wasn't THAT obnoxious. But what if I was?" The feeling of anxiety was at a ridiculous level.

Flashback to about 10 days ago. I went in for a well-visit with the gynecologist. Long-story short, she sent me, that day, to make what ended up being a next day appointment with a primary care physician for high blood pressure.

Yeah it was that high.

I can make all the excuses I want and write flowery words of stress and struggle and blah, blah, blah, but simply enough, I'm a stubborn ass and I wanted to do things my way and thought I knew enough about my body to get away with it.

Nope. No, me thinks I was a bit checked-out on that front.

High blood pressure is nothing to fuck with. Organ failure is nothing to fuck with. Organs failing is a problem.

I think what triggered yesterday's behavior was that I was feeling despair at having felt like I failed at taking better care of myself and in an effort to a give a speedy finger to the good habits I have had the last few months, on top of drinking coffee on an empty stomach first thing in the morning at the 1^st meeting (yikes), I pretty much split a box of gourmet donuts after lunch with my husband and then tried to balance it out (it's okay. You can laugh.) with another cup of coffee before going to a 2nd meeting.

Oh, and there were cocktails at lunch and dinner. Not a lot, but enough.

Oh and did I mention I have eczema and it flared up so bad I felt like it was saying, "Good job, jackass"?

Oh! Wait. Wait. Wait. Did I mention sugar seriously disrupts your sleep cycle especially within the week before a menstrual cycle begins?

happy fun time. yay.

So I'm at a crossroads and in writing this post I've already made a decision on where I want to go.

I can either choose to roll around in regret, guilt and shame and have it be a trigger for another round of bad behavior, or I can feel gratitude beyond measure for this powerful learning lesson and be mindful of what it has taught me.

Chuck, I choose option #2.

I am an amazing person and sometimes amazing people fuck up.

[Insert inspiring quote about messing up and bouncing back from it.]

I've accomplished more stuff in my life than I can recall at the moment and I need to embrace that instead of embracing that I should operate as a perfect person I cannot be.

How do you learn anything if you're perfect?

This situation is another lesson that continues to strengthen me as I continue on my path. I love that I am clear-headed enough to see that. I love that I am able to use my power for good in helping others. I love that I am not alone.

Thanks for letting me vent about this.

How do you bounce back from feelings of guilt, shame or regret?

Please comment below.

Preliminary Results from Self-Experimentation

Well, wow. Where should I begin?

For starters, no more of this streaky-posting crap. I'm off work from my day job on Wednesdays, and if I don't have the decency to give you my word that I'm going to post something either as a written or video blog at least once a week, I don't deserve to have an audience. So, with that being said….

I have been experimenting with the idea and practice of self-care.

Unfortunately and gratefully it didn't happen because I was feeling well or at peace with myself. It came out of being the sickest I've been in a very long time and happened on a day that will stand out as a MAJOR turning point in my life.

I equate this turning point with, when I received the Level 2 Reiki attunement in 2008, the night I asked for Guidance and help to release myself from addiction, I dreamt of my grandmother. When I woke up I no longer craved marijuana and was able to recognize what I was feeling when the urges showed up and what triggered them.

I didn't and haven't thought about turning back to addiction.  These kind of experiences feel like part of my brain has been seared and turning back to that part of my past isn't a conscious option. I think about pot now and the word, "Meh" comes to mind.

I'm sure there's a more romantic way to describe it.

I don't know what you would call what I was sick with, but I'd like to think of it as the bazoozies from hell. I wasn't able to work my day job for several days and I slept most of the time.

During the time when I was awake, I kept thinking, "I really need to be doing something. There is just so much to do. I really should be doing something."

My body said, "Nope. That dog aint' huntin', Sister."

And an interesting series of things began to happen.

The greatest thing I learned is that I have a substantial money block.

I discovered its origin when, after coaching sessions, workshops, affirmations, prayers, EFT tapping, mantras, Reiki, crying a ridiculous amount, being a bitch to my husband, journaling and a-list-of-other-things-that-aren't-coming-to-mind-at-the-moment. It made everything else I either did or tried to do so much harder. It was a powerful yet quiet realization that I let it flow through my mind to see if it was really IT.

Oh yes.

Absolutely.

The story I imprinted on myself was, "I have to work my ass off to make ends meet," but that came into direct and nasty conflict with the work I have been doing as a Reiki practitioner and business coach and my rational side had had enough when I became sick.

To be completely clear, I regret no part of my life and I love my parents deeply. My Life has given me a beautiful map of rich and vibrant colors stained in spots with too much wine and there is a cigarette burn here and there, but my Life is so priceless, only wordless emotions come close to describe any part of it.

I am the oldest of 2 kids from a single-parent household. I struggle to remember a time when my mom wasn't working 2 jobs. There are so many things I realize NOW vs. the story I "wrote" for and to myself THEN that contrast so much.

So many layers of self-protection. Metaphorical scabs on metaphorical scabs.

I love that I've learned self-reliance, strength and courage to find my way through tough situations on my own, but I felt a part of me has lived as though I raised 2 kids by myself (including the 1st 12 years of the relationship I have now with my husband). I felt like I was responsible for everything.

I have no children.

I have 2 cats and a husband.

I felt as though I needed to work 2 jobs to make ends meet to the point where, through some self-destructive and low self-esteem behaviors (drugs aside), I have had to work 2 jobs while at the same time being terrified to spend money so that I know the bills will be paid.

My rational side has pointed out a lot of inconsistencies and things that haven't logically added up to 2.45 + 2.55 = 5.

There have been huge disconnects where parts of me just simply weren't talking to other parts of me until I got sick. The parts going at 150% for 35 years couldn't keep up and the parts that were quiet got their chance to speak.

And talk they did.  Stories of love and hope, facial tissues, tea (so much tea), forgiveness, What-Can-Be, humor, and the patience of every saint. They pointed out and reminded me of all the good I have and continue to do.

Like being a freaking awesome coach and healer and the only effort I exert is showing up completely and authentically (Southern sass and all) for those who ask for my support.

But I was streaky about it. I didn't think I was really doing anything.

No more of that crap.

So, I figure, if I can do the work with my Stuff and not being aware of my Baggage, and not become some negative statistic, marry and stay married to a really nice, supportive guy, finish graduate school, quit using drugs, self-publish a book, become a Reiki practitioner AND use my Force for good to coach small business owners and entrepreneurs, imagine what I will contribute knowing I can dump the luggage so I'm not weighed down, but am able to make use of the Wisdom I've gained.

This is going to be a fantastic leg of the journey.

Since my last post with the help of the amazing Vicki Lewis I've taken what I've learned from coaching so far and created a coaching program I am completely in love with. I incorporate Reiki and the 20+ years of working in a long list of jobs (the advantage of working 2 jobs at a time) into my coaching as it relates to the seven major chakras and its aspects to business.

I will be talking about parts of my coaching program in the coming weeks.  

If you're a small business owner or entrepreneur and you'd like to connect with others, ask questions and share who you are, please join me in my Facebook group where we support one another on this strange and beautiful trip called Owning Who We Are and What We Do.

Because if we love it, it may be work, but it's not a job.

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